


Where the Past Comes Back to Life

by deandratb



Series: Affairs of State [2]
Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, THAT conversation, plot bunny that would not leave me be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 22:17:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7379608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deandratb/pseuds/deandratb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The conversation that never happened after The Al Smith Dinner. <i>"Some things matter more than winning. He knows that now."</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Where the Past Comes Back to Life

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to angsty fanmixes and couldn't get this idea out of my head. So, even though I never intended to write them having The (You Left Me) Talk, here you go. Slight angst, slight happy ending, probably weird and other authors have already done this better. Please hop away now, plot bunny, and let me get back to my novel!

Their flight is delayed in New York. Josh decides to steal a few moments of rest while he waits, grabbing a seat slightly apart from the other staffers. It’s not exactly peaceful, but he can mostly tune them out.

Until she sits down next to him.

Donna has been eyeing him from across rooms--and planes--since their interrupted fight after Lou hired her. It was only a matter of time until she came to press the issue. _He would know her anywhere; she smells like wildflowers._

He's too tired for whatever is happening now. He opens his eyes to meet her vivid, determined ones and it takes everything he has not to just get up and walk away.

_Aren't you tired of running? Isn't she?_

"Can we talk?"

Josh runs a hand through his hair. There's less of it than there used to be. He's trying not to think about that. "About what?"

"This." She gestures between them, the space across seats. _Across miles and years._

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Yes, there is."

"Donna, please tell me we're not going to get into a 'yes there is, no there isn’t' argument right now. I'd really rather not."

She stares at him, parsing his weary lack of snark, before trying again.

"We can't keep doing this, Josh. We have to work together."

"We are working together," he replies. "Look, here we are waiting for the same plane and everything."

"So, what--you're never going to move on, is that it? You're not even going to give me a chance?"

He shrugs. "I’m done fighting with Lou. You have the job. What more do you want?"

"I want you to stop acting like it's some sort of sacrifice to have me on the team. After everything we've been through, you know better."

"After everything--" He cuts himself off as his voice raises to the embarrassingly high place. "We shouldn't get into this now."

"Josh.” She shifts closer. “What's the alternative? You ignore me on the campaign trail, roll your eyes when you think I'm not looking, shut me out. How is that going to help us win?"

He raises his eyebrows but doesn't respond. _Some things matter more than winning. He knows that now. He'll never admit it to anyone._

"You're on the staff," Josh answers, choosing his words with care. "You got what you wanted. Now I have my own job to do, and it's a pretty big one, so if you could let me--"

"Is that what you think this is about?"

Donna is dangerously still, her glittering eyes a warning from the not-so-distant past.

"I don't know **what** you're about anymore," he snaps back. "But this is where we are. So if we could just be professional--"

"Don't talk to me about professional, not while you're the one who--" This time Donna stops talking, slips back into her new spokesperson calm. It’s like talking to a different person, has been since she started working with Russell. Not a stranger, exactly. A different version of Donna. 

It’s unsettling, but mostly it just makes him sad. He liked her before. _She was perfect before._ Some things shouldn’t have to change.

He catches her glancing around them, gauging the nosy staffers. She must be satisfied because when she continues, her voice is quieter, more urgent.

“Josh, I had to go. I know that you’re angry and maybe you need time, but I’m here now. We’re on the same team, and we want the same thing--President Matt Santos. If we’re going to win this, we need to be at our best. And you and I, we work best together."

“I don’t know how to move past it,” Josh mutters, knowing that she’ll hear him. And that she’ll understand why it was hard for him to admit. 

“Well, a decent way to start might be this. Talking. We used to be good at that.”

He nods, miserable, faced with the reality of who they are now--and who they can never be again.

“Fine. You want to talk about it? Let’s talk. You didn’t have to go.”

“What?”

“You didn’t **have** to go, Donna. You had a good job. You did it well. Nobody was trying to get rid of you. You **wanted** to go.”

“It wasn’t that simple, Josh.”

“The way I see it, it was. We weren’t enough for you.” 

“But it wasn’t about you, Josh. It was about me. I needed to go, to be part of something more. Something I helped build.”

“You helped build the Bartlet Administration!”

Donna lets out a frustrated noise, her professional demeanor cracking. “I answered phones for the Bartlet Administration! With Russell, and now here, I’m really doing something. Something important.”

“You were doing something important before.” _**You** were important before._

Finally, his composed, mature former assistant snaps. Her quiet tone doesn’t mask her exasperation. "God, don't you get it? I loved you!"

He is taken aback by this declaration, one that is not actually surprising, one that he knew every time she smiled at him. One that he thought she knew every time he smiled back.

"Well, you sure had a strange way of showing it." Bitterness lingers at the back of his throat. He feels like he might choke on it.

"No, you idiot." She exhales deeply. 

"Josh, I loved you so much that I was never going to do anything that meant leaving your side. I turned down job offers, I picked unavailable men, I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing your stupid adorable face every day. And I was suffocating in it. I needed more. I couldn't find it there...I couldn't have it with you."

"Oh." _Well said,_ he thinks, annoyed with himself almost as much as with her. Didn't he know this already, deep down? Isn't that why he avoided this conversation until she just left on her own? Confronted with it now, he doesn't have any idea what to say.

"I never thought you would go," he admits.

"I know." Her tone is gentler now. "That's why I had to. Nobody thought I would. I didn't think I **could.** And I couldn't keep living like I wasn't capable of more. That was the start of all of this, you know? Learning--hell, **proving** \--that I was."

He shakes his head. "That's not what I meant. Of everyone, in my whole life, ever...I never thought you would leave me. After everything, you were the one person--you were my person."

Donna sighs, but doesn't look away. She owes him this much. "I know. I am sorry, for that. Josh, I really am."

He nods. Turns to stare out the window, tired of reliving it all.

After he realized she was gone, really gone, he tried to drink it away. And then when he was drunk and miserable, he realized he couldn't go to her apartment and rant about why he was drunk, which just made everything worse. That was his low point. 

That was when he pulled himself together and knew it was time to go after what he wanted. He chose Santos, and decided to bury the feelings he couldn't drown.

"I never stopped," Donna confesses, pulling him back to the present.

"What?" For a moment, he thinks she's talking about her explosion earlier. He thinks she's about to tell him something he's not ready to hear, and it hurts almost as much as hearing her use the past tense did.

"I never stopped being your person," she whispers. "I was always here. You just couldn't...I knew you wouldn't want me around once I left. But I never stopped."

He looks away. "You still left."

"I did. And I came back." She smiles, just a little. "And you're still better than my old boyfriend."

Josh laughs, unexpectedly. They’re never going to see last year the same way, but their old chemistry is still there. He does feel a little better.

The boarding call is announced, and they stand at the same time. 

"Let's go," Donna says briskly, grabbing her travel case. "I'll help you with your luggage."

"I don't need help with my luggage," he replies, miffed. "I'm a grown man. I travel all the time."

"You can never get your stuff to fit in the overhead compartments," she counters as he falls into step beside her. "I'll do it."

Then, as they head for the gate, she tilts her head and smiles at him.

And he realizes that it wasn't really past tense, after all.

He smiles back.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Clarity" by Zedd.
> 
> This has not been beta'd. In fact, this went through less rounds of obsessive editing than my fic usually does, because I just needed it out of my brain. :) All mistakes are mine.


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